Shinrai
by Lady Callista
Summary: When Kaoru is kidnapped, Kenshin runs to her rescue. But how will what happened to her while she was captive change their relationship?
1. Funshitsubutsu

AN: This is my first fanfic on this site. I wrote a bunch of fanfic years ago, but this is my first fic in about 5 years. I was inspired to start writing by watching the Kenshin series and falling in love with him, and although I'm not quite done with it, I couldn't wait to write this after reading all the other awesome fics that are here. I don't speak Japanese, yet I've done my best to research the words I've used, and to use them properly, or as they are used in the anime-manga. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know. I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster.

This fic is rated M for mature themes, and will probably end up with some lemon stuff. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters.

Shinrai (Trust)

Chapter 1 - Funshitsubutsu (Something Lost)

"Kenshin?" Kaoru stepped into the kitchen where Kenshin was finishing up washing the breakfast dishes.

"Hai, Kaoru-dono." He turned to face her, a smile on his face.

Her heart sank slightly, as it always did when he used the formal honorific after her name. Yet she put on a bright smile. "I'm going into town for the afternoon. Megumi-san invited me and a few other friends for lunch."

"You should have a good afternoon, that you should." Kenshin smiled again. "Will you return for dinner?"

"Hai." She replied, turning and slowly leaving the room. With Yahiko off with some friends for the day, and Sano who knew where, she would have liked to spend the day alone with Kenshin. But lately it was hard to be alone with him, because every time she looked at him so many words swelled in her heart, none of which she had the courage to actually say to him.

Kenshin turned back to washing chopsticks as he heard her footsteps retreat. He wished he could think of things to say when he was around her, but lately she had been quiet around him, and he had never been much of one for words. So many were in his heart, but none that he felt he had a right to say. She was so innocent, so pure, and he was certainly neither of those things. He'd lost his innocence around the time she was born; he'd lived in a world she couldn't understand. He believed her when she said she didn't care about his past, but she also knew very little about it. She didn't even know that he'd been in love before, yet alone that is was his fault that lover had died. How could he let himself love her? How could he put her in that kind of danger?

The day passed slowly for Kenshin, yet he found satisfaction in his routine chores, even though he wasn't able to keep his mind on them completely. Since their return from Kyoto, they hadn't been out of each other's sight for an entire day, and he felt himself feeling her absence. Maybe it was time, he reflected sometime late in the day. Maybe it was time to tell her some of his past, to see if she would still look at him in the same way. He needed her to understand. And if she did, maybe he would finally be able to tell her how much he loved her. He sighed and began to start dinner.

"When's dinner?" Yahiko called a little while later as he crashed into the house.

"Soon, Yahiko." Kenshin called out as he boiled water for tea. "As soon as Kaoru-dono gets back."

"Kaoru-san is not here?"

Kenshin froze as he heard Megumi's voice. If Megumi had come in with Yahiko, why wasn't Kaoru with them?

Kenshin charged out of the kitchen. "Kaoru-dono told sessha she was having lunch with you and some friends at your home."

"She told me the other day that she might come, but she wasn't sure." Megumi replied. "When she didn't show up, I just assumed something else had come up."

"Kaoru-dono left shortly after breakfast, saying she was going to your house." Kenshin replied with worry. "It would not be like her to change her plans and tell none of us."

"Yahiko-chan, run into town and see if she's been seen there at all today." Megumi instructed, and for once the boy offered no argument either at being called –chan or at being ordered around. He took off as fast as he could run.

"Sessha must go look for her." Kenshin was saying even as Yahiko took off. He ran into his room, grabbed his sakabato, and charged out again, running past Megumi without a second thought, which would have normally been unthinkably disrespectful of him.

Kenshin charged down the path until he left the dojo's gate, then he slowed down, looking along both sides of the path as he jogged, alert for any sign either of her or of danger. Because there were really only two things running through his mind, that either she had wanted some time alone and he would find her sitting quietly somewhere, or that someone had kidnapped her again. Given the lives they all lead, the second was unfortunately more likely.

About halfway between the dojo and town, he caught sight of something in one of the trees a few feet off the path. Reaching for it quickly, he gripped a blue ribbon tightly in his fist. A blue ribbon that was torn, and stained with blood. A ribbon he remembered seeing in her hair before she left the dojo. He looked carefully at the ground around the tree, noting the marks on the ground, seeing Kaoru's footsteps, along with another set that were so heavy they had to belong to a male. There were marks of a fight, although a brief one, then a single set of very heavy footsteps leading deeper into the woods, leading him to believe that Kaoru had been overpowered and carried away.

Luckily it had rained the previous night, so the tracks were rather easy to follow, and he moved through the woods rapidly, covering miles as if they were nothing. He was just loosing the light of the sun when he noticed a clearing in the woods with a small house placed in its center.

The small part of his mind that wasn't busy worrying insanely about Kaoru tried to figure out where he was, and he realized this must be what the people of the area called the hermit's cabin. There was supposed to be a man living out here, a man who had been driven crazy. Some rumors said he'd been a samurai once, others said he'd been a farmer or a thief, but whatever he had been, in all stories one thing was the same. His wife and children had died in an accident, and he'd gone insane. He lived in the woods, alone, but Kenshin had never heard of him being dangerous in any way. Still, the tracks appeared to end here.

Staying just out of the clearing, Kenshin paused long enough to reach out with his senses. He felt Kaoru in there, and that was all he needed.

"Konnichi wa." He called out.

"Who's there?" Called out a deep voice as the door slid open, revealing a man who was probably in his 40's.

"Why is Kaoru-dono here?" Kenshin called back, moving closer to the house.

The man eyed him angrily, "No one here but me and my wife. And we don't like any interruptions."

"Your wife?" Kenshin said as he stood a foot away from the man, one hand on his sword. Every story he'd ever heard of the man had said his wife was dead. Unless…

"Move along, boy." The man replied, reaching his hand back into his house and pulling out a katana.

Every muscle in Kenshin's body went on alert. He pushed his senses into the house again, certain that Kaoru was there. "Once I see your wife, I will go." He replied, gold eyes flashing in the setting sun.

The man didn't seem to know what to say to that at first, then finally he said loudly, "She came back to me. She was walking down the road, and now she's mine again, as beautiful as the last time I saw here. No one else can see her. She's mine."

Kenshin let out a roar and charged.

-----------------------------------------

Kenshin ran past the unconscious man towards the back of the house, where he could feel her presence. He kept his sword out, one part of his mind warning him that he was so focused on Kaoru's presence that he might have been blinded to other people being in the house.

He opened the shoji to the room where he felt her, and was amazed to find her asleep. At least she seemed to be, but it certainly wasn't a peaceful sleep, that it was not. Moving towards her quickly, he froze for an instant and his eyes flashed gold as he saw the blindfold over her eyes, the dark bruises showing on her neck and arms. A dark growl escaped his lips as he saw the ropes around her wrists, saw how they were nailed to the floor on opposite sides of the narrow futon.

He wasn't sure how long she'd been like this, but he knew that on the off chance that it had been done after she was asleep, he wanted to untie her before she awoke. He couldn't bear the thought of her awaking to such terror if he could prevent it. He moved with his god-like speed, quickly slicing through the ropes that bound her hands, the blade back in its sheath a second later. He knelt beside her to remove the blindfold. The thought of how long she might have been like this made him both angrier than he'd ever been in his life, and sadder. He hated it so much when any violence touched her.

"Koibito." His lips mouthed the word that even now he couldn't quite find the voice for. Yet he couldn't stop himself from brushing his fingers over her cheek as he reached for the blindfold.

She came awake the instant he touched her, and she came awake screaming in terror. Her hands shot out blindly, striking all around her, as if fighting an invisible assailant that was right on top of her. Kenshin grabbed her wrists instinctively, seeking to keep her from hurting either herself or him.

Kaoru froze the instant the strong male hands grabbed her wrists, and she felt the panic rising even further. Unable to fight, remembering how much she'd been hurt when she did the last time, she simply coiled up like a spring, whispering one word over and over under her breath.

"Iie. Iie. Iie."

"Kaoru." Kenshin said firmly, not realizing that it was the first time he had ever used just her name.

"Onegai shimasu, iie." Kaoru continued to whisper. "Please, no. Not again."

"Kaoru-dono." Kenshin tried again, shifting her wrists to one of his hands and using the other to pull off her blindfold.

Kaoru gave a gasp of hope, although her eyes still weren't open. She'd dreamed of him coming so many times, and each time had woken from the dream more depressed than before. She was about to open her eyes when she heard his beloved voice again.

"Kaoru-koibito is safe. I'm here."

Kaoru burst into sobs, knowing for sure now that this was a dream. She'd dreamt of hearing him call her that before, of hearing love in his voice when he spoke to her, but she knew she'd never get that in real life. Still, the word soothed her heart, if only for an instant, and she couldn't help but whisper his name.

"Hai, Kaoru-domo. Sessha is here."

Her eyes opened at that, at hearing not only his voice but at hearing him speak the way he always did. Kaoru blinked away the tears, her eyes wide, and she saw him kneeling by her side. With a cry of delight she flung her arms around him, whispering his name over and over in her sweet voice.

Something about the way she said his name had always made his heart give a little flutter, and that flutter turned to an ache now as she clung to him. He'd imagined her in his arms a hundred times since their one embrace, but had never thought it would take something like this. He'd always thought they'd have time, time for him to risk letting someone into his heart again, time to tell her a few things about his past that she had a right to know if they were going to be a couple. Why could he only hold her when she was crying, and not when they were happy?

He brought his arms up around her back, intending to bring her closer for comfort, but she immediately stiffened and pulled away. He let out a confused oro as she pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them.

"Nakato?" She asked in a fearful whisper.

"Is that his name?" Kenshin asked as he tilted his head, confused as to why she had pulled away when she was obviously still upset. "He won't trouble us for a while. Although we should be leaving, that we should."

Kaoru nodded, the events of the past day rushing back into her mind now that her relief of Kenshin's arrival was no longer new. Feeling the panic starting to rise again, she closed her eyes and bottled everything up and locked it away. Her face now blank, her eyes dry, she nodded again and rose from the bed, thankful that she was fully dressed.

As Kaoru walked calmly by him and towards one of the doors, Kenshin paused briefly in confusion. Her relief upon seeing him had been genuine, yet she was now acting so distant. And he'd never seen her as scared as she'd been when he'd first woken her up. Wanting to ask what had happened while she'd been captive, but not wanting her to break down again, he followed her out of the house.

_Japanese/English glossary. _

-chan : Used either with children, or with someone you're extremely close to. When Yahiko's always complaining in the series about being called little, it's because they call him Yahiko-chan.

-dono : Kenshin's overly polite way of addressing women. Although the dubs and subs always translate it as simply Miss, it's much more formal than that. It was most commonly used to address a liege lord or lady.

_Hai : Yes._

Iie : No!

_Koibito : Sweetheart informally, also the word for boyfriend or girlfriend. _

_Konnichi wa : Hello_

_Sakabato : Kenshin's reverse-blade sword. This word was created for the series, just like 'rurouni' was._

_-san : Mr., Mrs., or Miss., this is the form friends would use with each other._

_Sessha : A very humble way samurai spoke of themselves. The best translation I've found is "this unworthy person." It's a word used instead of simply saying "I;" at some times it can translate as I, yet at others it translates only as a third-person noun. In the series, Kenshin almost always refers to himself this way, except when he's being the Battousai._

_Shoji : The sliding doors used in Japanese houses._

_Onegai shimasu : Please, as in asking for something, very formal, also has a traditional usage when said from a student to a teacher, but that's not the usage in part 1_

Top of Form


	2. Fumeiyo

AN: . I don't speak Japanese, yet I've done my best to research the words I've used, and to use them properly, or as they are used in the anime-manga. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know. I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster. Thanks to danielitar89, gab Hyatt, and Arwey for telling me that they liked the first part, I hope you'll enjoy this one as well. And to Arwey, I totally know what you mean about all the AU fics. A lot of them are good stories, but it's just not quite the same as fanfics set in the world the characters were created for.

Oh, and I forgot to say this in the first part. This is set after the Kyoto arc of the series (after season 2, season 3 has not started), and refers to events in the series only. Although I've started reading the manga and in some ways like it more, I'm fairly certain most people are more familiar with the series so I will be using that.

This fic is rated M for mature themes, and will probably end up with some lemon stuff. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters.

Chapter 2 –Fumeiyo (Shame)

They walked side by side, but there might as well have been miles between them. Kaoru coasted slowly forward, her face a blank mask, her eyes never straying left or right. Kenshin attempted to speak to her once or twice, but she never even acknowledged that he was there. They walked for nearly an hour, but with the sun already set it was growing too dark for them to safely navigate through the forest, and they were still several miles from the dojo. Although not a great distance, it would take a long time to navigate the dark forest, and one of them could easily be hurt.

"Kaoru-dono, we need to stop for the night." Kenshin said quietly as they approached a small, grass-covered grove. A small creek ran through it, and it was the best place to spend the night he had seen so far. "It's too dark to move safely through these woods, that it is."

Although she still didn't speak, Kaoru stopped walking.

"We can stay here for the night, and head back to the dojo at sunrise." Kenshin continued, concerned by her behavior. "Sessha is sorry the others will be worried all night, but there is no other way."

Kaoru turned her head slightly to face him and nodded. He could see pain in her eyes, yet her face remained blank and she still didn't speak. He couldn't imagine what had happened during the day to turn his normally bubbly, happy Kaoru into this empty shell. He walked into the grove quietly, hearing her following him, and sat down near the center of it, setting his sword on the ground beside him.

A moment passed, and Kaoru knelt a few feet away from him. "Arigatō." She whispered after a moment. "Thank you for saving me."

"Sessha is glad he could find you." Kenshin said just as softly. "Do you want a fire? Or anything else?"

"A fire would be nice." She said after a minute. It was as if it was taking her brain a very long time to process things. "And I'd like to clean up some, in the creek."

"That should help you to feel better, that it should." Kenshin replied. "Sessha will go to get some wood, and there will be a fire when you get back."

Kaoru nodded and rose, walking to the creek at the edge of the clearing as Kenshin went to get wood. Despite the previous night's rain, he found enough dry wood to keep a fire going until sunrise. Kneeling with his back carefully to the creek, he made a small circle of rocks, pulled out the grass within the circle, and built a small fire.

Kaoru returned just as he finished, kneeling across the fire from him and staring into it.

"Kaoru-dono should try to sleep." Kenshin said after a few minutes had passed, "Sessha will watch over her."

Kaoru looked up from the fire then, into his face. Their eyes locked for a moment, and he thought she was about to say something, but then she simply nodded, moved a few feet from the fire, and lay down. She curled onto her side, back to him, and cradled her head on one arm.

Kenshin cast his senses out, alert for anyone who might be near, but he sensed no one. Drawing his knees up in front of him, he rested his forehead on them for a moment, letting out a sigh of relief. He'd never been more panicked than when he'd realized she'd been kidnapped, and although some of that had faded when he found her, he was still alarmed about how she was behaving.

He'd thought about Tomoe just a few days ago, his mind comparing her and Kaoru as he tried to sleep. They were the only two women he'd cared for in his life, and it amazed him how different they were. Tomoe had cooked and sewn, rarely raised her voice; basically she had been the type of woman men were told they should want. And he had. She'd been exactly what he needed at that time in his life.

Kaoru did little of what was considered women's work, practiced martial arts the way men did, and was often loud and difficult to understand. Compared to the quiet reserve and calmness of his first wife, who had been like a gentle breeze most of the time, she was more like a hurricane. One that could change paths for no predictable reason, and could change in an eyeblink.

Yet he didn't like her despite that, but because of it. She was always so full of energy, always ready to do anything for her friends, and her seize the day way of living was part of what allowed him to smile each day, rather than sinking under all the guilt piled on his shoulders. She was one of the most amazing people he'd ever known, and her acceptance of him brought him a little closer to forgiveness and had also become a driving force in his life, because he couldn't imagine ever letting her down. Yet she was so far from being that person at the moment that he felt he didn't know her.

Kenshin's head whipped up as he heard Kaoru sob in her sleep. She'd rolled onto her back, and now began to shake back and forth, obviously in the grip of a nightmare. Moving to her quickly, Kenshin laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's alright, Kaoru, you're safe." He said quietly, preparing to wake her.

Yet at either his touch or his voice, he wasn't sure which, her body stopped quivering and her whimpering stopped. She was still asleep, yet he could swear she whispered his name. "Everything is fine now, Kaoru-dono, that it is." He kept his hand on her shoulder as he spoke to her, and felt her relaxing.

Yet as he went silent and started to move away, she let out another cry that sounded like his name, and rolled onto her side into a little ball.

"Kaoru, what happened to you?" He breathed, so quietly he knew she wouldn't hear him. His heart broke as he watched her continue to shake, and he ignored the dozen objections in his head and lay down behind her, putting an arm tenderly around her waist. Propping himself up on his other arm, he began speaking gently, telling her a story that he'd read to Ayame and Suzume just the other night. His voice and his presence comforted her, and she slept calmly.

After he finished the story, he lay there quietly, listening to her breath. He kept telling himself that he should move away, that she was fine now, but he couldn't make himself move. Telling himself it was because he didn't want her nightmares to start again was true, but only the beginning.

He wanted to hold her. He needed to hold her.

He wanted to breath in the sweet jasmine scent of her hair and know that she was safe. And, as always, her presence comforted him, and he drifted gently to sleep, his arm still around her waist.

Kaoru awoke as the sun rose, yet couldn't open her eyes. There was a presence behind her, and fear and panic began to rise. She stayed frozen for a moment, inhaling the scent of sandalwood. Kenshin. A part of her mind realized this was Kenshin, his scent a comforting, familiar thing. His arm was around her waist, his breathing soft in her ear, and for an instant she let everything slip away in the safe feeling she always had when around him. Then her memories of the previous day came flooding back, and she remembered what she had to do.

She slowly, quietly eased out from under his arm, all the while telling herself that this was impossible, there was no way she could slip away from the legendary samurai and his excellent senses. Yet somehow she did so, and she stood just as carefully. "Aishiteru, Kenshin." She said in a voice lower than a whisper, then moved towards the creek.

Kaoru stood for a moment looking down into the slowly flowing water, then gradually knelt down and reached her hand into the thick grass and pulled out the dagger she'd taken from the hermit's house the night before. After what had happened there, her heart was so full of shame that she could do nothing but raise it.

Kenshin had awoken the instant she'd begun to move out of his arms, but feigned sleep. Something in her chi was different this morning; there was a kind of dark purpose he'd never sensed in her before. He heard her whispered words, and a single tear slid silently down his cheek. He'd never thought he'd have anyone tell him they loved him ever again. He heard her move away then, and strained his ears as he heard to move towards the creek. There was silence for a moment, and then he heard her voice again.

"Father, mother, I have brought shame to our family. That which was most precious to me, which should have been mine to give only to the man I loved, has been taken from me. I cannot live with this. I cannot tell the man I love of my shame. I ask that you take me into your embrace." Kaoru closed her eyes, pictured her parents face's in her mind for a moment, and prepared to bring the dagger down into her heart.

"Sessha would be sad if you did this."

Kaoru's eyes flew open, and she spun around to see Kenshin standing a few feet away, a few tears trailing down his face. "How long have you been there?" Her voice sounded like a lost child's.

"I heard everything Kaoru-dono said." Kenshin quietly replied, kneeling beside her and putting his hand over hers on the knife. His heart was both breaking and burning. It took everything he had to not charge back to the hermit's hut and kill the man for what he'd done to her. He now understood every move she'd made since he found her. "But you should not do this, that you should not."

"I don't have a choice." Kaoru replied. "I cannot live with this shame in my heart."

"You wish to die?" He asked, curiously calm.

She looked puzzled. "Well, I don't want to, but…there is no other choice."

"I have a choice right now." Kenshin said quietly, a flash of gold briefly coming into his eyes. "I can go kill the man who ra…" He couldn't even say the word, "who hurt you, or I can stay here and be with you. You are more important to me than anything, so I am here with you."

Kaoru's eyes widened that he could say that, even knowing what had happened to her. She didn't see how any man could understand how she felt.

"You also have a choice, Kaoru-san." His voice turned tender, his eyes locked on hers as he saw tears begin to slide down her cheeks. "You can hand that yarō your life, or you can go on living. You can let him steal your life as he stole your innocence, or you can show that you're stronger than him. If you choose living, I would share a story with you. I should have told you before, but I never wanted my past to touch you. I never wanted cruelty and betrayal to be something you learned about. I'm certain that you don't think I can understand how you feel, and in a way you are correct, for none can truly understand something they haven't experienced. Yet I think you understand me better than anyone, and there is much you don't know about the events that made me who I am."

Kaoru could only stare at him as he spoke. He'd never opened up about anything in his past, and now he was offering to tell her everything. Yet to hear it, she would have to choose shame over escape. She looked deeply into his eyes as he spoke, and when he went silent, watching her quietly, she stared at him for a bit longer before her gaze trailed down to the dagger still in her hand.

Live with shame, or escape into death. Neither actually appealed to her, yet she had to make a choice. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

Glossary… 

_Aishiteru : I love you _

Arigatō : Thank you

-dono : Kenshin's overly polite way of addressing women. Although the dubs and subs always translate it as simply Miss, it's much more formal than that. It was most commonly used to address a liege lord or lady.

_Konnichi wa : Hello_

_-san : Mr., Mrs., or Miss., this is the form friends would use with each other._

_Sessha : A very humble way samurai spoke of themselves. The best translation I've found is "this unworthy person." It's a word used instead of simply saying "I;" at some times it can translate as I, yet at others it translates only as a third-person noun. In the series, Kenshin almost always refers to himself this way, except when he's being the Battousai._

_Yarō : Bastard, sort of. (AN: This one is weird. When you look up "bastard" in the English part of the dictionary, you get two words. One for an illegitimate child, and another, yarō, which is says means a despicable person. Yet if you look up yarō in the Japanese language, it says it's slang for a guy, with a secondary meaning of "rascal." If anyone could clear this up I'd love to learn.)_


	3. Omoide

AN: . I don't speak Japanese, yet I've done my best to research the words I've used, and to use them properly, or as they are used in the anime-manga. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know. I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster. (Also, I apologize for those of you who know this story, this part may be sort-of boring to you, but I didn't just want to skip over it in case there are people who never saw the movie.)

This fic is rated M for mature themes, and will probably end up with some lemon stuff. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters.

Chapter 3: Omoide (Recollection)

Kaoru opened her eyes and gave Kenshin a small smile, letting the dagger in her hand fall to the grass beside her.

"I would be honored to hear your story." She said quietly.

Kenshin let out a small sigh of relief as she set the dagger down, and he kept his hand loosely on hers, sliding it under her hand so that she now gripped his hand rather than the dagger. He shifted until he sat next to her, directing his eyes down into the creek, where she still looked.

"Years ago," He smiled ruefully, "About the time you were first blessing this world with your presence in it, there was a young boy named Shinta. He was a slave. Both of his parents were dead, but several of the slave girls were kind and looked out for him. This group of slaves and slave-traders were traveling to market one night when they were attacked by some evil men. These men killed both the slaves and the slave-traders without regard. Three of the young women tried to shield this boy, tried to protect him. They died one by one. He tried to raise a katana he found on the ground, he tried to protect them, but they pulled him away and begged the evil men not to kill him. Yet they died. And as the last one fell, she looked right at him and said something he would never forget."

"You are just a child. You have not chosen your life, as we have been able to do. You cannot die now. You must live. Life a full life for the sake of those who died here tonight. Shinta, please live. Live for me."

"She died, and the boy knew himself to be doomed. And then out of the mists walked a samurai, and the evil men began to die. Shinta watched in awe; the sword of the samurai sometimes moving too quickly for him to even see. And when all the men were dead, the samurai left, telling him that the way to honor his slain family was to live for them."

"The samurai returned the next morning, thinking to bury the dead, and found that the boy had stayed up all night doing so. When he asked Shinta why he had done that, the boy told him that although none of them were his family, once they died, they were not bandits, or slave-traders, or slaves; they were just dead bodies. And the samurai poured out sake in honor of them, and said his name was Seijuro Hiko. He told the boy that he had been entrusted with the women's lives, but that his hands had been too small to protect them, and that he would carry the weight of their lives on his heart forever. He then said that he could teach the boy the strength and skill to protect others, could teach him the Hiten Mitsurugi style of swordsmanship. And he gave the boy a new name. A name that meant sword-heart."

"Ken-shin." Kaoru whispered, unable to stop herself from interrupting. "Sword-heart. I never realized your name was a combination of two words, I just thought it was an unusual name."

"It is unusual, yet fitting." Kenshin smiled his sad smile, and softly continued. "I don't need to tell you the other name Shinta became known by, because you hear it all the time. Battousai. You don't need a story about him either, because everyone knows what he did. But there is one thing that few know." He unconsciously ran his fingers over the cross-shaped scar on his cheek. "Everyone knows Battousai carries this mark. I want to tell you how he got it."

A single tear slid down his cheek as he composed his thoughts, and Kaoru reached out to wipe it away with one hand, keeping her other firmly in his grasp. "Thank you for this honor." She whispered.

"None of you have ever asked, for which I am grateful. It is not a tale easily told, or easy to hear. I never wanted you to know it. But we care for each other…" He trailed off, unable to believe he'd said that, and then continued slowly, "It is unfair of me to have not told you this story."

"Battousai was out on an assignment one night, an assignment like any other – to kill a man. This man had a group of bodyguards, and one of them had an exceptionally strong will to live. He managed to cut the Battousai across the cheek before he was killed. And for some reason, the wound did not heal, but continued to bleed for weeks. These weeks went by, and he continued with his duties as if the wound did not bother him, although others said that its continued bleeding meant that it was a stain upon his heart as well as his body. And one night, when he was doing his job, he chanced upon a woman. She saw him kill his marks, and commented on how he made it rain blood. He considered killing her, for an assassin who has been seen is useless; yet he could not kill her, as he had been taught that he fought to protect the weak. She began working at a tea house he frequented, and slowly the two grew to care for each other. Then something went wrong. His position was compromised, and he had to flee the city. His master knew the woman cared for his pupil, and he asked her to go with him, saying that she was the sheath to his sword. Saying that the life of a manslayer was difficult, and that Battousai needed her to remind him of what he fought for. Needed her to keep him human. And so the woman went with him. They lived as man and wife for many months, and finally the care between them grew to love, and he asked her to marry him for real. She agreed."

Kenshin stopped abruptly, and Kaoru felt his body shaking. Looking over at him, she saw his entire body shaking with the pain of recollection, although his voice remained firm and detached. Although the shock of hearing he'd had a wife was a deep pain in her heart, she knew she had to wait to hear the end of his story. She had always wondered what had brought Battousai to become Rurouni, and could sense that this story would yield the answer. She could feel how much this memory was hurting him, and she wondered what it cost him to keep his voice clear.

"What was her name?" Kaoru wondered quietly after a few minutes had gone by and he hadn't resumed his tale.

"Her name was Tomoe." Kenshin said dispassionately. "And she had truly fallen in love with him, which was a problem for her. For she was not an innocent woman, but had been engaged to the man who left the scar on Battousai's cheek. She had introduced herself to him as a spy, as a way to get in behind his defenses so that she and those who hated him could kill him. She had thought him a heartless killer, and instead found a young boy who believed that he was doing what was best for those weaker than him. Who thought that his sword spoke the language of righteousness. She had come to understand why he did what he did, and when she was contacted by those in her group, when she was told it was time, she couldn't handle it."

"She understood him. She loved him. Yet she was told that she could be used in that way, that since he loved her also she would be a weakness her former group could exploit. Unable to deal with that, she fled from him, leaving only her journal for him, hoping that he would understand. He did, for he loved her as well, and grieved that his view of justice had led to the death of one she loved. And so he followed her to her group's headquarters. Man after man stepped out of the shadows, determined to gain the honor of having killed the Battousai, and Battousai slew each of them, although he grew weaker and weaker as he did so."

Kenshin stopped speaking for a moment, and Kaoru squeezed his hand in reassurance. Although she was bothered by the fact that he'd had a wife, that he'd loved someone other than her, there was no room in her heart to hate Tomoe. From both what he'd said and what he hadn't, she realized how hard life had been for Kenshin, and although she was jealous in one way, she could mostly be only grateful that he'd found someone to share his burdens with. Found someone to understand him. Although she'd always tried to, so much about him puzzled her. Yet each sentence he spoke now helped her become less confused, and she knew she was finally beginning to understand him.

"Finally, he found himself facing the master of this group. Bleeding from dozens of wounds, barely able to stand, he tried to do honor to his master and himself by slaying this man. He charged, eyes half-closed, his entire soul committed to this one last action. He felt the other warrior raise his sword, and knew that he could never be quick enough, yet he continued to move forward. He felt his sword cut, and his eyes opened."

Kenshin's voice broke, and his head dropped as his eyes closed, tears rolling down his cheeks. Kaoru moved without thought, rising somewhat and drawing his head to her chest as he cried silently. His arms came around her waist as he accepted her comfort.

"You don't need to tell me this." She whispered, heart breaking as she felt his pain.

"His eyes opened." Kenshin continued as if he hadn't heard her, although his voice finally showed the hurt of his story. "And he saw Tomoe between them. She faced his opponent, her hand on his katana to prevent him from hurting Battousai. And Battousai's sword had cut through her body, into that of his opponent. He had won; he had killed his enemy. But he pulled his sword back in horror as his love fell into his arms. Looking up into his eyes, she whispered that she was sorry, and that she loved him. And then she reached up, a dagger in her hand, and cut across the mark her fiancée had made. And then she died."

"And so the Battousai was left with a scar that spoke volumes about his life. Both cuts had been made while he was doing what he thought was right, what he thought would bring peace and justice to normal people. Yet somewhere in the time between when the two had been made, he'd realized something. He'd realized that killing didn't bring peace. It didn't bring order. It just brought death."

"He mourned his lost love, and he told his master that he'd fight until the war was over, he'd keep his word, but that once the war was over he was done with killing. And when the war ended, he became the Rurouni. He'd always believed his sword was meant to protect people, but he now took that notion further than anyone ever had. He used every skill he'd learned, not just martial ones but philosophical ones as well, to protect and defend. And he vowed to never take another human life again, and to spend the rest of his life making up for the ones he'd taken."

Kenshin's tears had stopped as he told her the end of the story, but now they started up again. Kaoru held him to her as he cried, trying to digest all that he'd told her. She'd known how strong his beliefs were, she'd known that he'd sworn never to kill again, but now that she had the whole story her heart broke for him. She'd known he'd killed enemies. She'd known he'd killed more people than anyone she knew. She'd thought that alone was enough to justify his choice to stop killing. Yet knowing what the final straw had been made her heart break for him. It had made her completely forget everything that had happened to her.

"Everything Battousai did was his choice." Kenshin said finally. "Although Tomoe's death was not his intention, it was a direct result of his actions. Of how he'd chosen to live his life." He took a deep breath, pulled himself away from her, and looked into her eyes. "Do you think less of me now, Kaoru-san?"

Her heart breaking for all he'd been through, it took her a moment to respond. When she did, the words came from the bottom of her heart. "Of course not. I'm amazed at the man you've become. I've always respected you for your beliefs, for how you choose to life your life, yet now I do so even more. Thank you for trusting me with this story."

"Thank you for listening to it." Kenshin responded. They were both silent for a moment, lost within their own thoughts, and then he said softly. "If you do not think less of me, if after hearing all that I have done you could still say you care for me, then I have a question for you. Why would you think that I would think less of you for something that was not your fault? Why did you fear to tell me what had happened to you?"


	4. Kokoro

AN: I. I don't speak Japanese, yet I've done my best to research the words I've used, and to use them properly, or as they are used in the anime-manga. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know. I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster. Thanks to Arwey for continually giving me feedback, this next part is for you!

This fic is rated M for mature themes, and will probably end up with some lemon stuff. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters.

Updated 5/2 - Title used to be "Koi" which is a word for love. However, I was speaking to a friend who knows Japanese, and discovered that it can't be used this way. It's kinda like the English word "pretty," where it has several meanings. If you just say 'pretty' it means beautiful, where as if you say 'pretty good' it can be taken to mean 'kinda good.' Koi is apparently like this, when it's used by itself it just means 'fish,' and can never be used on it's own to mean love. Hence the title change.

Chapter 4 – Kokoro (Heart)

Kaoru could only stare into the creek. "Because it was my fault. I wasn't strong enough to stop him." Her voice was barely a whisper.

Kenshin turned to face her. "That doesn't mean it was your fault." He said quietly. "I understand you feel shamed and dishonored, but the shame is his. The dishonor is his. Kaoru-san, think of all the people we've helped. Have we ever thought less of them because they couldn't defend themselves? Because they needed help?"

"No, but that's not the same thing." Kaoru replied, tears rising to her eyes again. "You can't understand…"

Kenshin reached out to brush the tears from her face and was horrified when she jerked back from his touch. Since she'd let him hold her last night he hadn't thought she'd mind him touching her. Although he could understand her not wanting anyone to touch her, he'd thought she trusted him more than that.

Kenshin squeezed her hand gently. "Look at me, please."

Kaoru turned her head slowly until she looked into his amethyst eyes. There were tears in his eyes again, and she didn't think it was from his own memories.

As she looked at him, Kenshin slowly raised his hand and brushed the tears from her cheeks. "Kaoru-san, this was not your fault. What was done to you…" His hand started shaking. "What was done was evil and horrible and wrong, but it was not your fault. There is no shame, no dishonor, in being an innocent victim."

"No, there is no shame in being a victim." Kaoru agreed quietly. "There is shame in being unmarried and no longer shojo."

"There might be shame if it had been your choice, koishii." Kenshin whispered. "But it was not."

Still looking into his eyes, Kaoru's breath caught. Koishii. She'd been elated when he'd switched from –dono to –san, but this… Then reality kicked in.

"Koishii. How can you say that?" She questioned, her voice still barely loud enough to hear. "The only thing that made me worth anything to a man is gone."

"Oro?" Kenshin's eyes grew huge in confusion as his thoughts began to race. How could she think that her only worth was that she was a shojo?

"Kenshin, I'm more like a man than a woman." Kaoru couldn't bear to look into his eyes any longer, and resumed staring into the creek. "I can't cook, or do laundry. I practice swordsmanship like a man, and dress like a man when I do so. I wouldn't know what to do with a maiohgi, but wouldn't know what to do without my sword. I raise my voice all the time. I can be rude, and violent, and…"

"And you care more about your friends, and other people, than anyone I've ever known." Kenshin interrupted gently. "You can learn to cook, or do laundry. You can learn the fan dances. You could have learned all the skills you say a woman should have, if you wanted to. But instead, you choose to follow your heart, which is the largest I've ever seen, that it is. You choose to honor your father by learning his style, and your bring honor to yourself when you teach it to others. You give yourself, with your whole heart, to your friends. You protect those weaker than you, and you give hope and comfort to anyone who needs it. You…you are the most beautiful and courageous woman I have ever known."

Kaoru's breath caught again, and her eyes closed. She'd dreamed so many times of him saying that she was beautiful, of him saying that he loved her. She'd started to fall in love with him soon after she met him, and every week that passed had shown her new things about him to love. Yet, she knew his past still haunted him, and had understood that he kept everyone at a distance from himself. How sad was it that the one thing that had broken through his distance was something that made her feel she was no longer worthy of being loved by him?

Kenshin watched as her eyes closed, saddened beyond anything. He'd finally managed to say what was in his heart; he'd finally let his feelings for her free. He'd given her all he had to give, and it hadn't helped.

"You can say that, even now?" Kaoru whispered, her eyes still closed.

Not wanting to startle her again, not wanting to break the fragile peace they had, Kenshin squeezed her hand. When she opened her eyes and looked at him again, he again raised his hand to brush her cheek.

"Aishiteru, Kaoru." He whispered.

Tears began to stream down her cheeks again as her eyes went wide in wonder. She leaned her cheek into his hand, and he cupped it gently.

"Aishiteru." She breathed back, still crying. Even she wasn't sure how much of her tears were of joy and how many were of sorrow. "Why did you never tell me?"

"I knew you loved me, but felt I was not worthy of you." Kenshin said with a frown. "I couldn't bring myself to take you into the darkness of my world. I didn't want my past to touch you. I still don't, yet I couldn't bear for you to think that what had happened to you would change how I thought of you. I dishonored you by thinking you couldn't handle my past. I'm not sure there is anything you can't handle."

Kaoru could only stare at him. She finally had the one thing she'd always wanted, a man who loved her, and all it had taken was the loss of the one thing she had valued more than anything. "I'm not sure I can handle what happened."

"I'm sure that you can." He replied quickly.

"Ken…shin…" Kaoru sobbed as she collapsed into him, her head landing on his knees.

"Koishii." He whispered reverently, stroking a hand over her hair. When she didn't startle, he brought his other arm up to rub soothingly over her back. "It's alright. It's going to be alright." The urge to pull her into his arms fully and kiss her was incredibly strong, yet he knew how fragile she was. He didn't want to frighten her and ruin what should be an incredibly special moment.

She sobbed for several minutes, finding comfort in his touch. And as his hand rubbed over her back, she felt something other than comfort. She felt a shiver run down her back, and a tingling in her stomach. It reminded her of how she'd felt once before, when he'd hugged her. She banished the sadness of the part right after where he'd said sayōnara, and concentrated on the good feeling.

"Kenshin?" She whispered, still cradled on his lap.

"Kaoru?" He echoed just as gently.

"Would you kiss me?" Her voice couldn't have been heard by anyone with senses less honed than his. "I once thought I'd always have time for those firsts, but now I know I don't. And although he…" Her voice broke for a moment, then came back slightly stronger. "Although he took one thing from me, he didn't take this. He never kissed me. Will you show me what it feels like to be kissed by someone I love?"

Kaoru sat up, and when Kenshin didn't say anything, she scooted over until their knees bumped. "Will you kiss me?"

Kenshin looked deeply into her eyes, bringing a hand up again to cup her face. He'd always been careful to not touch her, even when she had made it obvious that was what she wanted. Now he couldn't get enough of her. "Are you sure, Kaoru-koishii?" He breathed, drawing her face towards his.

"I trust you." She murmured, running a gentle hand through his crimson hair. "I've wanted you to kiss me for so long. I don't want to wait anymore."

"Dai suki desu." Kenshin whispered reverently as he brought her lips to his.

Kaoru's eyes closed instinctively, yet Kenshin kept his open, wanting to watch her face as she experienced her first kiss. And her first kiss was by someone she loved no less, by someone she knew loved her. Not many could say that.

Kaoru felt no fear as his hand cupped her cheek, as his other hand came around her waist to pull her a little closer to him. His lips slid over hers gently, like a whisper of wind, and she found her other hand coming up to wrap around his neck.

Kenshin slid his lips over hers in a devastatingly gentle kiss, trying to show her all the things he'd never been able to say. Their lips pressed together once, twice, and then he pulled back slightly. He saw that her eyes were still closed, and a look of longing rather than anything else was on her face. He leaned in again and tilted his head a little more, letting the kiss turn more passionate. Cupping her face in his hand, he used that leverage to tilt her head more, gently sucking on her bottom lip. He heard a soprano moan echo in her throat, and praised Kami-sama that he could give her that much. That he could take her pain away for a moment.

Kaoru was having two problems at the moment. The first was that her thoughts had scattered so much that she didn't know up from down, and the second was that the one thought she had left was that she wanted to give him the same pleasure he was giving her, but didn't know how to.

Gathering her courage and her love, she ran her tongue gently along his lips, wanting to see what he tasted like. His body shuddered as she did so, and his tongue came out to duel with hers.

The instant she felt his tongue in her mouth she drew back, awed and confused by the sensations that were beginning to take over her body. Her eyes opened, and she saw only lilac eyes, burning with love and intensity.

"Kaoru-dono…" He started to apologize, thinking he had taken things to far.

"Show me." She whispered as she brought their lips together again. "Onegaishimasu."

"Kōsi desu." He whispered as he kissed her again. He kept this kiss gentle, and was amazed when her tongue came out again to clash with his. After a moment of hesitation, he delved deeply into the art of kissing, and she met his every move. He kept one hand on her cheek, the other on her waist, yet against his command they began to try and wander to other parts of her. Not wanting to frighten her, or to do anything improper, he gentled the kiss and then pulled back from her.

"We should be getting home." He whispered. "The others will be worried."

"You won't…"

"I won't tell them." Kenshin said instantly. "But I think you should think about doing so. You react differently to things than you used to, and they will wonder why."

"Can it be our secret for now?" Kaoru sighed with fear. "I know they won't think of me differently, but I still fear their reaction. Can we just keep what happened, and what is now between us, to us alone?"

"Sessha will do whatever you wish." Kenshin replied with a grin.

"Kenshin." She smiled. "Kenshin will do whatever I wish." She refused to allow him to slip back into feeling himself unworthy.

"I will do whatever you wish." He smiled uncertainly.

"Arigatō." She hugged him tightly to her for a moment, then rose, offering him a hand.

Kenshin smiled at the reversal of roles as he took her hand and rose, tucking it against his elbow as they headed home.

Next part soon, here's the glossary…

Aishiteru – I love you

Arigatō. - Thank you

Kami-sama – god, or the gods

Koishii – beloved, a term used from a man to a woman he loves

Kōsi desu – literally "I am honored."

Maiohgi – dancing fan, the specially weighted and shaped fan used in Japanese dance. Whenever you see a geisha or other Japanese dancer tossing a fan around, this is what they're using.

Onegaishimasu – literally "please honor my humble request to be taught." Traditionally, this is what a student would say to their sensei before lessons.

Sayōnara – farewell; (although this is a word often used to mean simply 'goodbye' both in fanfiction and in American culture, it is actually better translated as farewell. It's a word used when you are parting for an undetermined amount of time, and will probably never see the person again.)

Shojo – virgin, (also the word for girl, traditionally used for a young or unmarried girl, it has both meanings)


	5. Akumu

AN: . I don't speak Japanese, yet I've done my best to research the words I've used, and to use them properly, or as they are used in the anime-manga. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know. I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster.

This fic is rated M for mature themes, and will probably end up with some lemon stuff. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters.

Chapter five – Akumu (Nightmare)

"Konnichi-wa." Kenshin called as they pulled open the front door of the house an hour or so later.

"Ken-san." Megumi called out as she rushed out of the kitchen. "Oh, Kaoru-san, thank the gods you're alright." She rushed to Kaoru and threw her arms around her, pulling back quickly when Kaoru let out a little squeak and went ramrod stiff. "Are you injured? What's wrong?" Megumi continued quickly, not noticing Kenshin standing behind Kaoru and shaking his head at her.

"Nothing." Kaoru said slowly. "I'm just tired." Even as she said it, she realized that she had to tell at least one person what had happened. She had to tell a doctor, because she still hurt and needed to make sure she didn't need medicine or something.

"It's more." Megumi said. "What happened to you?"

Kaoru ignored her for a moment, turning to Kenshin. "I'm going to go sleep more. Can you tell Megumi-san what happened? All of it, please. Then I need her to speak with me."

"You're sure, Kaoru-san?" Kenshin asked, barely restraining himself from reaching out to touch her.

"I'm sure." Kaoru said gently. "I need to speak with both a woman and a doctor, this way I only have to talk about it once." Without waiting for an answer, she turned, went into her bedroom, and slid the door shut behind her.

She pulled out her futon and lay down on it without bothering with undressing or getting out the rest of the bedding. Unable to sleep, as she'd known she'd be, she cast her eyes around the room until they came to rest on the one wall hanging in her room. She stared at the picture of cranes flying over the sea until Megumi knocked on her door.

"Kaoru-chan?" Megumi called gently.

"Come in." Kaoru said simply as she rolled over and faced the door.

Megumi entered immediately, rushing over to the futon and kneeling next to Kaoru. She placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, musume."

"I don't want anyone else to know." Kaoru said instantly.

"I will not speak of it." Megumi said as she stroked the girl's hair. "You have my word on that. Now, do you still hurt?"

OrOOrOOrO

Sano and Yahiko were there when Kaoru finally came out of her room for dinner, but they said nothing of what had happened. In fact, they acted as if it hadn't happened. Kenshin must have told them not to mention it, but she knew him well enough to not worry that he'd told them the truth.

Megumi got into an animated discussion with the two of them, distracting them from the fact that neither Kenshin nor Kaoru were really saying anything.

Kaoru passed through the meal in a daze, barely aware of those around her or of what she was eating. She was exhausted, and had spent the entire day trying to sleep, but it had eluded her like a most skillful prey. As soon as dinner was over, Kaoru excused herself and went back to her room, tossing and turning until her mind finally gave into the demands of her body and she fell into a restless sleep.

Hours later, Kenshin woke up suddenly. He stretched out with his senses, as he always did when awakening suddenly. Because whatever had woken him up was usually something bad.

Then he heard the sobbing from the next room. Rising quickly and pulling the ties of his yukata tighter around him, he rushed out of his room and into the hall. He hurried to her room and entered, remembering to close the door behind him because he didn't want to awaken Yahiko.

"Kaoru-koishii, it's me." Kenshin knelt beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. Instead of being comforted like she had the night before, she jerked awake with a small scream, pulling away and curling up into a ball. "Kaoru-koishii, you're safe. He can't hurt you anymore, I'm here." Before she'd left Megumi had told Kenshin quietly that Kaoru would likely have nightmares for weeks, and that it was normal. She'd also told him the best ways to care for her, and that number one was to make sure she knew he was there, and that he'd never let the other man near her.

"Kenshin…" She rolled towards him, pillowing her head in his lap. Apparently she had no problems touching him, she just didn't like being touched when she didn't know it was coming.

"Are dreams haunting you?" He whispered as he stroked her hair.

"I tried to sleep all day but I couldn't." She confessed. "I finally fell asleep after dinner, but I feel like I haven't gotten any rest at all. I'm so afraid he'll come back. And I can't get what happened out of my head."

Kenshin couldn't get it out of his either, but in his case the feeling was a white-hot rage that felt like his soul was on fire. It was taking all the self-control he'd carefully built up to not go kill the man who had left her like this. But he knew that wouldn't make things better or right, and she needed him with her. His arm coming up around her back, he began to rub soothing circles.

She stopped crying after only a moment, and her arms came around her waist. She then moved up, sliding until her head rested on his chest, where she could listen to his heartbeat. Going through one of the first breathing kata she had ever learned, she matched her breathing and heartbeat to his until she felt calm again.

Sensing what she was doing, Kenshin remained silent, focusing on being a calm center for her. When she was again calm, he resumed brushing a hand through her hair and said tenderly, "Do you want me to sit with you until you fall asleep?"

"No." She whispered, tilting her head up to look at him. Since he'd looked down to ask his question, this put their lips inches apart. "I want you to hold me like you did last night." She leaned up hesitantly and brushed her lips to his.

Kenshin's heart soared that she would make the first move, and his arms tightened around her as she allowed him to deepen the kiss. When he felt her hand hesitantly slid into his yukata and come to rest over his heart, he slid both his hands up to cup her cheeks and slowly pulled away from her, brushing a thumb over her swollen lips.

She took one of his hands as she slid to the other side of the futon, letting him slid in next to her. He slid in, but his eyes remained cautiously on hers. "Are you sure this is…"

"I know I'll be able to sleep if you're here." She said as she cuddled in, resting her head again over his heart. He slipped his arms around her, beginning to trace circles over her back. "Dai suki desu."

She cuddled in more as he said it back, and again slid a hand under his yukata to rest on his warm skin. His hands on her, around her, didn't inspire fear, only warmth and comfort. She tilted her head in and placed a kiss on his chest. His hands tensed, and she tilted her head up to find him looking down at her with eyes that showed unfathomable love. She leaned up and kissed him again.

Kenshin responded to the kiss, his hands fisting in her yukata before he consciously relaxed them and slid one up her back to the nape of her neck, running his fingers over the smooth skin. She sighed into his mouth, her fingers slowly tracing over his chest.

When her fingers brushed over his nipple, he inhaled sharply, his hand on her neck squeezing gently.

She pulled back instantly, worry coming over her face. "What did I do?"

He chuckled in a very masculine way. "Something that felt good."

She brushed a hand over his nipple again and watched his eyes cloud. She wanted to ask him to touch her the same way, but couldn't imagine giving voice to something like that. Instead she closed her eyes and rested her head back on his chest.

He sensed something was wrong. "What is it?"

"This is all so new to me." She said after a moment, unable to think of anything else to say. He didn't respond other than to begin running a hand over her hair again. Encouraged by his obvious attention, she dared to say more. "I feel like my entire life is different." She said softly, listening to his heartbeat, which was slowly returning to normal. "Before, it was such a thrill just to touch you. I dreamed of you kissing me, but it was hard to dream when I didn't even know what a kiss felt like. I never dreamed of anything beyond that."

"Kaoru…"

"But every time you touch me, it sends this amazing feeling through my body. Every time you touch me, I feel cleaner, as if what happened is washing away." Still not looking at him, she finished, "And everything I feel makes me wonder how much more wonderful it could be, how much more I could feel."

"There's so much more, koishii," Kenshin whispered as he tilted her head up so that he could see her eyes. "But this is not the time for it. Not so soon after…"

"But you make me forget." She sobbed.

His eyes slid shut, as against his will his feelings of unworthiness flooded back up. Although the last thing she needed right now was his problems, he couldn't help it. "And is that the only reason you want this now?"

"Kenshin…" She ran a hand over his cheek, over the scar. "The first time I stood at your side as a friend, I wanted to hold your hand. Every time I held you hand I wanted to cling to you. The one time you hugged me, I wanted you to kiss me as well. Doesn't it make sense that now that you've kissed me I want more? Maybe part of it is that you make me forget. Maybe part of it is that I only knew pain from something that is supposed to be wonderful, and I want to feel the good parts. But in the end, it's just that I love you and want to know what it feels like to be loved."

Her simple words shattered him. "And I would show you." A tear slid down his cheek at her trust in him. "But not here, not now. I honor you too much for that."

"Honor…"

"Only after we've stood before the shrine." Kenshin gripped her to him. "Let us do this properly, and let the first time we are together be as it should be, when we lay in our room as husband and wife."

Kaoru could only stare at him. She'd dreamed of him saying something like this to her, but it had been so far out of the realm of the possible that she'd truly believed it would not ever happen.

"If you'll agree, that is." Kenshin said, slightly worried when she didn't respond. "Kaoru, will you go to the shrine with me? Will you marry me?"

"Hai." She responded finally, arms tight around him. "Oh yes, yes, Kenshin, yes." She raised her face to accept his kiss.

At least one more part, maybe more…

Glossary…

Dai suki desu – literally "I like you a lot," often used in place of "I love you," in Japanese culture. See, they believe in showing love rather than talking about it, so they don't say "I love you" nearly as much as Americans do. This is a phrase that is used more often.

Musume – daughter, or girl. In Japanese culture, it is common to call a younger girl this if you are close to her, especially if you are acting in a motherly fashion towards her. (at least that's what my research says)

Yukata – sleeping kimono (made of cotton)


	6. Zutto

AN: I speak no Japanese, so all the words thrown in are directly from my trusty dictionary. If I've used anything incorrectly please let me know. I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think of this story. Feedback always makes me write faster.

This fic is rated M for mature themes, and this last part is certainly a lemon. If you are underage please go enjoy some of the other wonderful stories on this site.

Thanks so much to those who R&R'd, hopefully now that the story is complete even more people will do so. Sorry this last part took so long, but I couldn't get the feel of it right. (Although I do feel I made up for the wait by the fact that this part is almost one third the total length of the story.)

I'm ending this story this way because I want to keep it a K&K fic, and not deal with all the other stuff. However, I'm strongly considering writing a separate story that takes place over the month between the proposal and the wedding, with tons of angst and the like as Sano and Yahiko find out Kaoru was raped. If anyone would be interested in reading that please let me know.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin, or anything relating to it, and have the utmost respect for all the people who created these wonderful characters.

LEMON WARNING –90 percent or so of this last part

Chapter 6 - Zutto (Forever)

One month later

"Oh, Kaoru-san, you looked so beautiful today." Tae said as she and Misao helped Kaoru out of her shiro-maku.

Kaoru pulled the sticks and pins from her elaborately upswept hair. "I felt beautiful." She replied as she looked into the mirror. "Even though I've never worn this much make-up in my life." She grinned at herself through the complicated white make-up.

"It was a different look for you." Misao smiled and wiped carefully at the back of Kaoru's neck, erasing the lines of the W-shaped area that was traditionally left free of make-up. "From shihandai to bride." She continued gently removing the make-up.

"I certainly wouldn't want to dress and look like this all the time." Kaoru smiled at the girls, "But the look on Kenshin's face when he first saw me were worth it."

Misao grinned. "He did look like you'd just hit him with a katana."

All three girls laughed as they continued getting Kaoru ready, taking off the elaborate costume and make-up she'd worn for the wedding and reception and dressing her in a simple blue yukata that perfectly matched her eyes.

"Are you going to be okay tonight?" Misao asked seriously.

Kaoru looked at her gravely. "It's Kenshin." She said simply.

Tae smiled. "And he'll treat you like the most precious thing in the world, because you are to him. And speaking of Kenshin, he's probably wondering what is taking us so long, so we should be leaving."

Although she did have reservations, Kaoru pretended she didn't, and laughed with them and hugged them as they left. Megumi had been called away for an emergency, or she would have been with them as well. Thinking of all the way the doctor had helped her over the past weeks, Kaoru regretted that she hadn't been able to be there, because they had become good friends once the kitsune stopped hitting on Kenshin.

The two hugged her and wished her well, and then left quietly, shutting the shoji behind them and leaving Kaoru with her own thoughts. Kaoru lasted about a minute this way, then she quietly slid open the outer shoji and went out onto the porch, staring out into the night and smiling at the occasional firefly. Although she hadn't been lying when she answered Misoa's last question, she was still quite nervous.

Her and Kenshin had kissed quite a few times over the past month, yet he had always been careful to keep from anything else, and the knowledge that tonight he wouldn't both excited and her scared her. She hadn't been lying the night he proposed when she told him that she wanted to know what it was like to be with someone she loved, but being raped had also left her with a fear she both hoped he could make go away and was terrified he couldn't. Although she'd gotten used to casual contact again, there'd been a few times when they'd been kissing that his hand had wandered somewhere unexpected and brought the terror back.

Even though he'd been great about it, it still made her feel horrible, because she loved and trusted him and she didn't understand why part of her was so conflicted. She knew he'd never hurt her, she knew he loved her, yet if she was touched wrong she just got terrified and froze up. She only hoped she could avoid that tonight.

Hearing a knock on the shoji frame she called quietly for him to enter, yet she remained on the porch, listening to his quiet footfalls as he crossed the room to her. Wordlessly unclenching her hands from her sides, she extended them behind her, and he took them gently. She took a step back, wrapping their joined arms around her as she tilted her head and rested it back on his shoulder.

Kenshin dropped a gentle kiss on her neck and whispered into her ear, "Have I told you yet how beautiful a bride you made?"

Kaoru giggled and relaxed even more, as he had intended. "Only about a hundred times."

"But I am only telling the truth." He smiled and kissed her neck again, then grew serious. "Are you nervous?"

"Part of me is." She smiled, remembering when she'd followed him to Kyoto and he'd answered her the same way. "Part of me is just glad you're here."

"We'll go at your speed, koishii." Kenshin said, his breath warm in her ear. "It doesn't have to happen tonight, we have the rest of our lives…"

Kaoru turned in his arms until she could see his face, wrapping her own arms up around his shoulders. "The night you proposed, I told you that I wanted to know what it was like to be with someone I loved. I want that more than anything, we just have to go slowly."

Kenshin leaned down and brushed her lips with his. "That just means the moment will last longer, how could I object to that?" He smiled at her.

Kaoru laughed and leaned up to kiss him again. The kiss turned passionate quickly, but kissing was something Kaoru had grown comfortable with over the past month, and it didn't bother her at all. It also didn't bring back any bad memories, because the man who had raped her had never kissed her.

They kissed for several long moments, tongues dueling in a primal dance, until finally Kenshin broke the kiss and took a step back towards their room. "Come inside, and be with me." He whispered in the deep voice Kaoru knew meant he was feeling very strongly about something. He took her hands and kissed them, and slowly led her back into the room, sliding the shoji shut behind them.

Kaoru looked nervously at the futon, which Tae and Misao had spread before they left. Kenshin took her chin in one hand and directed her gaze back to him. "Look at me. Think only of me. I love you." He whispered as he kissed her again.

Kaoru melted into his kiss, thinking only of him. Any reservations she'd had melted away as her body seemed to float away, lost in sensations of warmth and joy. Yet when his hands moved towards the tie of her yukata she pulled back, unwanted memories flashing into her eyes.

Kenshin froze when she did, yet was determined not to make this awkward for either of them. Acting like nothing had gone wrong, he took her hands in his, and moved them to the ties of his formal kimono. She smiled shyly, although she'd doctored his wounds on several occasions and seen most of his upper body, this was different. Her hands shook slightly as she undid the tie, and she gently slid the kimono out of his hakama, leaving him clad only in the white pants as she pushed the kimono off his shoulders and it fell unnoticed to the floor.

All fears slid away as she gazed at the alabaster beauty that was her husband. Barely realizing that she was moving, her hand came up to sketch over one of the hard planes of his chest, her fingers tracing along the muscles. Although she'd seen him before, she'd always been trying to keep her mind on the business of doctoring him. Now she was free to enjoy looking, and she found there was much to enjoy.

Kenshin gazed at her tenderly as her hands slowly explored the skin she had revealed, and he reveled in the fact that all fear and hesitation was gone from her face. He knew they had a long night ahead of them, and knew that no matter how much he wanted her he would have to go incredibly slowly. Yet that was fine with him because that just meant the night would go on longer, and as he'd told her that didn't really bother him at all. He wanted to spend days, hours, no, years, getting to know every part of her body and soul, and even then he knew there would always be new things to explore and discover.

Kaoru had a beautific smile on her face as she dreamily traced her fingers over the muscles of his chest. Remembering the night he'd proposed, she ran her fingers lightly over his erect nipple and was rewarded with a deep gasp. She looked shyly up into his face, and saw only amber flecked amethysts burning with intensity and love. Holding his eyes, she ran her fingers over his nipple again and watched his eyes cloud even as the hands on her waist tightened.

Kaoru gathered her courage and took a small step back, still keeping eye contact as she moved her hands to her own yukata and undid the ties, letting it fall away. In one way she couldn't believe she'd had the nerve to do it, but in another realized it was the easiest way. She was telling the truth that she wanted to be with him, but when he'd tried to undress her she'd frozen in terror. Even while she was kissing him, even while she knew it was him, someone trying to undress her had caused a panic reaction. And so she had done it herself, and much like their first kiss, she was again gracing him with a gift she'd given to no other. Flashes of rough hands, of her kimono shoved up to her waist, tried to intrude, but she took a deep breath with her eyes closed for a moment, and then looked up at him again, her face bashful as for the first time in her life she stood naked before a man.

His eyes never leaving her face, although the temptation was great, Kenshin moved in the step she'd taken away and pulled her into his arms again, keeping his hands on her waist. He heard her gasp as their heated flesh came into contact and he brought their lips together in an ardent kiss, overjoyed when her arms came around his neck and pulled him as close as possible. Pulling away long moments later, he whispered in her ear, "So you want to know what it feels like to be with someone you love?" He purposely kept his voice husky and deep, nipping her ear as he finished speaking.

It was all Kaoru could do to nod as tons of feelings she'd never had flowed through her at each touch of their skin. He pulled back from her slightly, yet before she could feel the lack of him his hands slid gently up her waist. His eyes still locked with hers, holding her captive in his spell, it was all she could do to continue breathing when his hands cupped her breasts, thumbs flicking over her nipples as she had done to him just a moment ago. Her knees buckled and her eyes slid shut as she fell to her knees. He went with her, his hands still cupping her chest as they knelt on the futon facing each other. Her hands moved to his waist, fingers flitting over the skin lightly as she reveled in the sensations she was being introduced to.

As her eyes closed, Kenshin finally took his gaze from her face, allowing himself to look reverently at her body for the first time. He'd gotten teasing glimpses of her over the long time he'd lived with her, yet she was even more magnificent that he had ever imagined. He remembered every time he'd seen her; a shoulder when she shrugged off her kendo gi to have a cut treated, her calf when she'd strained a muscle doing kata and was holding a hot cloth on it, the one excruciating time he'd accidentally walked in on her in the bath… The list went on and on in his head as his hands moved almost independently, touching skin that he'd wanted to touch for so long. He traced over the muscles of her stomach, dropped a kiss on her shoulder, and then began running kisses up her neck as his hands returned to gently squeeze her breasts.

Kaoru moaned as he set her body on fire with his lips and hands. It was all she could do to stay on her knees when she wanted to melt into a puddle at his feet. She was thinking of nothing but him as her hands traced lightly over his back, amazed that she could touch him in the way she'd wanted to for so long. Then she felt his mouth move from her neck down to her breast and she did collapse over him.

Kenshin caught her in his arms as every muscle in her body went soft and liquid. Laying her back on the futon, he continued his assault on her breasts, cupping the soft white globes in his hands as he shifted his mouth back and forth between them. He slowly slid one hand down her stomach again, gliding it over her hip and playfully tracing circles on her thigh. When her breath caught and her legs slid unconsciously apart, he felt more humbled than he ever had in his life. She'd been through so much, yet she was trusting him with everything now, having moved past the point of fear.

Kaoru was barely aware of her body as a whole, only of the points he was touching. Every touch of his hands or mouth brought a painful awareness of that part of her body, and she was beyond conscious thought or fear as she reacted instinctively. All her feelings seemed to center between her legs, but she was too shy to ask for his touch there although that was where she wanted it most. She absorbed all the new sensations that flowed through her, wondering how she had ever been afraid of this, for it was the most wonderful experience she'd ever had. And when she felt his touch there, in that place she wanted it most, she threw back her head and sobbed at the amazing feelings that flew through her.

Kenshin smiled a very male smile as he continued to explore her body with his mouth and one hand, leaving the other between her legs. He didn't move it beyond that, for he was still trying to take things slowly. Then he felt her hips move, rubbing herself against his hand, and his other hand on her body stilled as he had to take a deep breath. Blessing the iron-will he'd developed over the years, he looked up into her face and was startled, for she looked more beautiful lost in her passion than he'd ever seen her look.

Kaoru's eyes opened as his hands and mouth stopped their delicious torment, and she looked into eyes that were neither rurouni nor hitokiri, but a combination she knew was all for her. She'd experienced brief moments like this during some of their previous kisses, and it always incredible to have all his intensity and skill focused on nothing but her. Yet this moment made those dim in comparison.

"You're so beautiful." He whispered as he moved up to her face, kissing her again and again as he gently turned her on her side and pressed their bodies together. He wasn't sure if him lying on top of her would cause a panic or not, and didn't want to find out. "How did I get so lucky, koishii?" He whispered between kisses.

"I'm the lucky one." She replied, arms wrapping around him, nails scratching lightly at his back when he transferred his attention to the sensitive side of her neck again. "I love you so much, so much…" Her voice abruptly choked off when his hand moved between her legs again, and instead of just sitting there flicked against a spot that created the most intense feeling she'd ever felt. Her back arched as she inhaled deeply, unable to keep a single thought in her head.

Kenshin watched her pleasure building, and unable to resist the temptation her back arching had created, closed his mouth over one of her breasts again as he kept his other hand on her back to keep her close. The hand between her legs was moving rhythmically up and down, occasionally flicking her core, watching the beauty before him as she began to fly higher and higher.

The feelings in Kaoru built to the point where she thought she would burst, and she began whimpering, no longer quite sure what was going on. She'd never felt anything this intense in her life, and she wasn't sure how it could keep going without killing her. Her voice shook as she called his name, and his voice came back huskily.

"It's alright, koishii. It's alright." Kenshin whispered around her breast, correctly interpreting her reactions. "Just let go. Relax and let it go." Although he'd been purposely going slowly, both wanting her to get used to the sensation and wanting to wring every ounce of pleasure he could out of her, he now took pity on her. Moving his hand faster, he focused his attention on listening to her breathing and feeling her spirit, and judging the moment exactly, thrust a single finger into her, running it entirely over her core, as he drew deeply on her breast and used a light edge of teeth.

Kaoru screamed and shook as her world exploded in light.

Kenshin drew her tightly into his arms as she continued to shake in the aftermath of her first orgasm, and he whispered soothing nothings to her as she curled into him.

"That…that…" Kaoru's voice was shaking like a leaf, yet she had to say something. "I didn't know there was so much, I didn't know I could feel so much. It was like my body exploded."

"And that's just the beginning." Kenshin whispered as his hands began to trace over her again, then he chuckled, "But if that's all you can handle tonight…"

"I feel a like I'm floating a thousand miles in the air. I feel like I can handle anything, do anything, as long as you're with me." She whispered back, and gathering her courage again, said quietly, "I want to see you." She moved her hands to the ties of the hakama he still wore and undid the knots, trying to slid the pants down his legs, which was difficult as he was laying down.

With a smile, Kenshin rolled unto his back, and lifted his hips as she sat up, taking the pants and sliding them down his legs, leaving them in the pile at the foot of the futon. Taking a deep breath, she looked up his body, seeing him naked for the first time.

Kenshin lay there quietly, letting her look at him. He saw a slight apprehension cross her face as her eyes rested on the stiff evidence of his desire for her, but before he could say anything she reached out a shaking hand and ran it lightly up his shaft. He gasped at the contact, hands fisting at his sides as he struggled to hold still under her gaze.

"How is it so soft?" She whispered, more talking out loud than asking. "It's so hard, but…" Her fingers trailed up and down again, amazed at the contrast. His breath caught, and she looked up hesitantly as she asked, "Does it feel as good when I touch you as when you touch me?"

He chuckled, a deep sound she was rapidly growing to love. "Having never been a girl, I can't say. But it's amazing."

Not knowing what else do to, she ran her hand over him again, still a butterfly's touch. Although she knew he'd enjoyed the night so far, she also knew she hadn't given him anything compared to what he'd given her a few moments ago. Yet she didn't know how to. "What do I do?" She asked, frustrated that she wanted to show her love and didn't know how.

The chuckle came again. "Whatever you like."

She considered what he'd done earlier to her, and began running her hands along his body, her touch sometimes light and sometimes firm. She still knelt beside him as he lay on his back, and her eyes roved as hungrily as her hands did, amazed that his slight body was capable of many of the feats she'd witnessed it perform. Inspiration struck, and she leaned down and drew one of his nipples into her mouth. He moaned as he skimmed a hand up her back, unable to keep his hands off of her. His other hand stroked through her hair gently, coming to a rest on her neck, careful not to put much pressure on her as he gently began massaging. Her only reaction was to shift her mouth to the other side of his chest, lightly flicking his nipple with her tongue and causing him to stop breathing for a moment. And when her other hand reached down and began caressing up and down his shaft again, he wasn't sure if he would start breathing again or not.

Fascinated by the reactions she was receiving, and her naturally giving nature making her proud that she could please him, Kaoru tilted her head till it rested on his chest, and watched the part of him she was playing with move as she continued stroking. Curious, she wrapped her fingers around him, just barely able to touch her middle finger to her thumb around the width of him. His reactions leading her way, she kept her fingers around him and she stroked up and down, her other hand tracing circles on his hip.

Kenshin tilted his head down, watching her touch him, as he curved one arm around her back and brought the other up to play with her breast again. It took all his control to not ask if she was ready, and that control was rewarded soon enough when he heard her whisper his name in that wonderful breathy voice she had whenever she said it. He dropped a kiss on her head as he responded, "Koishii?"

"Do…do you…"

"Kaoru, there is nothing you can't say to me." He said, having an idea of where this would go. He hugged her to him.

"Do you have to be on top of me?" Her voice was barely audible. Although she'd had many small fears, she'd worked hard to overcome them, until finally she was left with just this one. Even after all they'd done, even though she knew he'd never hurt her, even though she loved him…everything in her froze at the thought of him above her.

"Not at all." He smiled as he began to trail his hands over her body again, wanting her aching and ready for him, wanting her fears to vanish under their love. Rolling onto his side again to face her, his hands explored again as hers now did the same, hands and lips skimming over fevered flesh until neither was sure where they ended and the other one began.

Kaoru felt the fire burning through her again, felt the sensations beginning to build. Before she could actually think about speaking, she heard herself whispering, "Show me, Kenshin. Please."

Kenshin's hands slowed, and he began shifting positions until he sat at the head of the futon, his back supported by the wall. Drawing her up beside him, he pulled her over his legs until she knelt with one knee on either side of his hips, her core mere millimeters from him. "Are you sure?" He held her eyes as he kissed her gently.

In answer she lowered herself minutely until their center's brushed. She felt Kenshin's hands move to her hips, and he both lifted her up and scooted her forward, then he moved one hand between them, helping them to join. His other hand still on her hip, he gently urged her down, and she felt him begin to slide into her. Their eyes were locked, making the moment incredibly intense as she slowly lowered herself onto him, prepared for pain and amazed when there was none.

Kenshin held her eyes with his own as he slowly helped her lower herself onto him, making sure to keep the movement slow and steady. When he was fully sheathed inside her, he raised his hands to her cheeks, cupping them gently as the pad of one thumb wiped away the single tear that slid down her face. "Are you alright?"

"It doesn't hurt at all." Her voice was filled with something close to awe. "I didn't think I could feel better than you made me feel earlier, but this is…I can't even describe it. It feels like I'm whole, complete, for the first time in my life."

"I know the feeling." Kenshin whispered as he tipped her head down and kissed her gently. Then he pulled back enough to look into her eyes, and made a rolling motion with his hips. Her eyes shone as she gasped for him. Moving his hands back to her hips, he urged her up, then down again, leading her slowly to ride him as he continued to roll his hips under her, moving in careful precise movements he knew would caress every part of her inside.

Kaoru's hands clenched his shoulders as all the feelings in her built again, and her hands slowly skimmed over his chest as she allowed him to move her. Gradually, she understood what he was doing and began to move herself up and down on her own, her hands playing with his nipples. Now that his hands were no longer directing her, they moved to her breasts, mimicking the way she was playing with him. She gasped and tossed her head back, unaware that doing so would arch her body and shift him within her. She let out a moan as the shift somehow resulted in him running over and over the spot he'd been flicking earlier, and she knew she was close to exploding again.

Kenshin realized this quickly, and moved his hands back to her waist to hold her there as he pushed into her over and over again, speeding his pace as he knew he was close as well. He leaned in to kiss her chest at the exact moment her hands brushed over his nipples, and together they fell off the edge of the world.

Minutes passed with them frozen, him still sitting against the wall with his arms around her, and her collapsed on top of him, with him still inside her. Finally, he dropped a kiss onto her forehead. "I love you."

"I love you so much." She replied, rising up enough to see his eyes. "Thank you for showing me." She said with a flirtatious smirk that had never appeared on her face before.

"Believe me, koishii, it was my pleasure." Kenshin replied as he cuddled her against him again. He would have been content to stay that way forever.

And nestled in the warmth of his arms, safe and happy and loved, Kaoru felt exactly the same way.

THE END

Glossary…

Hakama – men's pants/skirt that were traditionally worn over a kimono or gi. Kenshin's white pants throughout the series are hakama.

Hitokiri – Used in the series as "manslayer," translated in the manga as "assassin." Kenshin's job during the revolution earned him this title. It also is used to indicate his state of mind, for when he's like this his eyes turn narrow and gold, and he stops referring to himself as sessha and starts using a more boastful masculine "I." This part of him can be seen in the series and manga usually only when he's angry, but like many fanfiction authors I've chosen to use it for any strong emotion, including love.

Kitsune – fox, in Japanese mythology a fox spirit is known for wiles, seduction and cunning. It's Megumi's animal in the manga, just as Kaoru's is the raccoon.

Koishii – sweetheart, or beloved. Endearment used by men to women.

Rurouni – wanderer, a word created for the series, most likely based on 'ronin' which was a masterless samurai. Also indicates his state of mind. Kenshin's oros, sesshas, and humor are all part of this personality.

Shihandai –assistant master (of a school or style of kendo), it's Kaoru's title in the manga although I don't think it's used in the series

shiro-maku – wedding kimono


End file.
